I have been trying to pull this thing together for months. Changing things, thinking up new ideas and schemes, digging up old ones, scrapping an entire concept in favor of a new one, then scrapping the new concept and pulling the old one out of the garbage to dust it off and try it out again. Maybe I’ll scrap this one too.
It shouldn’t be this difficult, right? But with all my experience in writing and publishing for “online platforms” (ugh), I feel like I have this pressure to perform what I’ve been taught. To create and develop a brand for myself (ick), to consistently produce content, to market and promote the content, to always be thinking about what my audience, whoever that is, will want to read. This is a job for entrepreneurs, for business-minded people. This is not a job for introverted, cynical, self-deprecating, uncertain, yearning, quiet, amateur, hopelessly un-marketable writers.
One thing that I can say about having a blog, though: This thing is completely and unconditionally mine. Every not-quite-there-yet concept is mine. Every mistake, every idea, and every word all belong to me. All I could ever have asked for in my life has been to create a space for myself that belongs only to me and no one else.
I cannot overstate how gratifying that is to a writer who has spent so much of her time writing for somebody else.
In the end, it shouldn’t be this difficult in a place where I make the rules. (I am the Supreme and I hereby declare that there are no rules.) I shouldn’t have to worry about whether or not this thing will be “successful”. (I am the Supreme and I hereby declare that the “success” of a creative venture is not defined by the set of metrics that silly things like “society” and “economics” have taught us to aspire to.) I shouldn’t have to worry about creating something that is good and useful to other people, as long as it is good and useful to me. Simply having created something, I think, is accomplishment enough.
I am the Supreme and I hereby declare that I no longer have to keep justifying myself to anyone — including myself.