Dear Corporate Recruiter,
I am writing to express my enthusiastic interest in your pitifully underpaid entry-level position. I’m an experienced, desperate young professional with thousands of dollars in student debt and a willingness to accept the bare minimum. With years of internship experience that have yet to pay off, I believe I would make an excellent addition to your team.
I spent the majority of my college years in multiple career-building jobs and internships, which you should basically consider 3+ years of experience. I didn’t do all that shit just to not qualify for even an entry-level job. I’ll talk myself up in my application, but in reality my recent layoff has made me feel just about as useful as a dull knife, and if I have to file one more claim for unemployment benefits I’m going to scream like a livid barn owl right in front of my roommates, who are actually my parents. My professional references can all attest to my impressive work ethic, which includes a penchant for mental breakdowns and abysmal time management skills that I proudly inherited from my father. Additionally, I’ve had a passion for your industry ever since I started Googling your company about 20 minutes ago.
So please… please, please just fucking hire me. I promise I’ll do good. Feel free to peruse my portfolio — it’s not stellar, but at least I fucking have one. I wish you the best and I hope to hear from you soon…. Like, seriously, send me an email even if you reject me. Don’t be rude.
[Insert white-sounding fake name here]