I am sitting at a coffeeshop this Sunday morning feeling utterly defeated. There is a soreness in my muscles, in my feet, which have spent a weekend holding up the weight of a limitless girl, and I am being physically crushed by the demands I’ve placed on my body. Right now, I am dragging my head to hover over the straw of my iced coffee, sucking up my revival with the least amount of effort I can manage with. Now, I am dragging my books from point A on this table to point B. Now, watch me pound the keys of my keyboard as if transferring those demands on my body to my laptop, leaning on this electronic device as a crutch.
I am sitting at a coffeeshop this Sunday morning in my wonderful new neighborhood teeming with creativity. I am chuckling as I scan the names of WiFi networks around me: “Electric Relaxation.” “HatersGonnaHaight.” “We.Haight.Puns.” “ILLEGAL! ILLEGAL!” A young man in conversation with the barista said he hoped to spend today drawing. What a coincidence, I thought, because I came here to write. He and I are linked by this, I feel, though we don’t know each other and never spoke before he left the coffeeshop. The thing about creatives is that we are all linked by what we hope to do.
Anyway, I am perfectly fine. Watch my eyelids rise with alertness as the coffee level in my cup recedes. Images from last night blur into focus: Swinging hips in a Latin dance club. Tequila on the rocks, paid for with guilt. A joint passed among friends on a rooftop. Climbing down said rooftop in an overly cautious, giggling haze. Unraveling my braids while shivering in line outside a taqueria.
Mornings like this, I wonder if I am asking too much of myself. Probably. My aching muscles and wilted brain are the unwitting collateral damage in my thirst for experience. I may fear losing myself and, as an introvert, giving too much to the people around me; what I fear more is what could be, or what could not be, if I choose to keep myself safe but trade in my love for excitement, for camaraderie and debauchery and new memories. There are just some moments in life that you need to be present for.